If you’ve ever set a goal, felt excited to work toward it, and then somehow ended up undermining your own progress, you’re not alone. Self-sabotage is a common, often deeply rooted behavior that can impact your relationships, career, health, and personal growth. But it’s not a life sentence. Understanding how to stop self-sabotaging begins with identifying its origins, recognizing how it manifests in your life, and developing new ways to cope with fear, stress, or negative beliefs.
At Brooklyn Center for Psychotherapy, we help individuals recognize and replace these patterns so they can move forward with more self-compassion, clarity, and confidence.
What Does It Mean to Self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage is any behavior that interferes with your long-term goals or well-being. It often resembles procrastination, avoidance, perfectionism, or even starting arguments in relationships. These are behaviors that may seem protective in the short term but ultimately hold you back from achieving the things you want most.
It’s important to understand that self-sabotage isn’t about laziness or lack of willpower. It’s usually rooted in:
- Fear of failure or success
- Low self-esteem or imposter syndrome
- Unresolved trauma or limiting beliefs
- Perfectionism and unrealistic standards
- Difficulty tolerating discomfort or uncertainty
The self-sabotaging mind might whisper things like:
- “If I don’t try, I can’t fail.”
- “I don’t deserve this success.”
- “I’m going to mess this up anyway, so why bother?”
These beliefs can be powerful, but they’re not permanent.
Signs You Might Be Self-sabotaging
Self-sabotage can be subtle or loud. Some common signs include:
- Procrastination on important tasks or opportunities
- Negative self-talk or chronic self-doubt
- Setting unrealistic goals or standards, then feeling like a failure
- Avoiding challenges or staying in your comfort zone out of fear
- Overcommitting to others while neglecting your own needs
- Starting conflict when things feel “too good” in relationships
- Engaging in harmful behaviors like binge eating, substance use, or overspending
If these patterns sound familiar, the good news is that they’re often learned responses, which means they can also be unlearned.
How to Stop Self-sabotaging: 5 Steps Toward Change
1. Notice the Pattern Without Judgment
Awareness is the first step. Start paying attention to the moments when you feel stuck, avoidant, or self-critical. What triggered the behavior? What thoughts came up? What emotion were you trying to avoid?
Keeping a journal or notes on your phone can help you begin to connect the dots. Remember: self-awareness isn’t about blaming yourself; it’s about better understanding your internal world so you can start to shift it.
2. Identify the Root Beliefs
Self-sabotaging behaviors are often symptoms of deeper beliefs, like “I’m not good enough” or “Good things don’t last.” These beliefs may stem from past experiences, trauma, or messages you absorbed during your childhood.
Working with a mental health provider can help you uncover where these beliefs come from and how they continue to affect your behavior today. Once you identify the belief, you can start challenging it with new, more empowering perspectives.
3. Practice Self-compassion, Not Self-criticism
It may feel counterintuitive, but beating yourself up for self-sabotaging only strengthens the cycle. Compassion is what creates space for change.
Try replacing critical thoughts with more supportive ones:
Instead of: “I’m such a failure for messing this up.”
Try: “This is a pattern I’m working on, and it’s okay to take small steps.”
Over time, self-compassion helps you build emotional safety with yourself, which is the foundation for trying new things, setting boundaries, and making meaningful progress.
4. Break Big Goals into Small, Safe Steps
Self-sabotage often kicks in when a goal feels too overwhelming or risky. Instead of aiming for perfection or total transformation overnight, focus on small, manageable actions.
Ask yourself:
- What’s one thing I can do today that supports this goal?
- What would this look like if it felt easier or more enjoyable?
- How can I set myself up for success in a low-pressure way?
Progress doesn’t have to be fast to be meaningful. Small shifts lead to big change when done consistently.
5. Get Support from a Mental Health Professional
Changing long-held patterns is hard to do alone, especially when they’re tied to past wounds, anxiety, or trauma. Therapy provides a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore these patterns and build new tools that align with your goals.
At Brooklyn Center for Psychotherapy, our licensed mental health providers specialize in helping individuals break out of stuck patterns and move toward healing. Whether you’re ready to tackle self-sabotage or simply want to feel more in control of your life, we’re here to support you.
Take the First Step Toward Change
Self-sabotage may have protected you at one time, but it doesn’t have to define your future. You have the capacity to create change, and you don’t have to do it alone.
If you’re ready to stop self-sabotaging and start thriving, Brooklyn Center for Psychotherapy is here to help you take that next step. Click here to request an appointment and start working with a therapist who sees you, supports you, and believes in what’s possible for your future.